Fleeting Thoughts After Midnight

I miss the days when I used to blog regularly. My memory isn't that great, so when I can look back at stories, pictures, and videos on my blog, it really helps me remember what I was feeling during certain phases of my life. I think this is a great time to try to blog again, because I want to remember this phase. I want to remember that I can do hard things!

About nine months ago I took a teaching gig, teaching English to kids in China. I was excited about it, even though it meant waking up to teach at 6:40 a.m. (Mornings have NEVER been a friend of mine!) When the time changed back in the fall, I remember telling Stephen I couldn't possibly get up to teach the new 5:30 a.m. classes! But I was determined, and once I started, it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It's funny now, looking back on that, because...

Now we are in the middle of a health crisis in China. The Coronavirus has struck tens of thousands of people. Families are quarantined in their homes. Schools are not in session. Today we saw that over 1000 people have died from the virus. It's a very serious situation. Due to the children not being allowed to go to school, our company added on extra classes for these kids. And because I am very highly motivated by money and helping out in their time of need, I am GOING FOR IT! Now that I look back and think about how hard it was to get used to teaching at 6:40 a.m., I laugh to myself! I thought I would share here what a typical day looks like for me in this season.

I start teaching at 6:50 p.m. when I can. Wednesday nights and Sunday nights I don't do this because of church commitments. I usually stop teaching around 8:00pm so I can fix dinner as everyone is getting home from afternoon activities. I try not to teach again until 8:50 or 9:30 p.m. so I can at least hang out with everyone a little bit (particularly Stephen since I've been with the kids all day anyway!) And sometimes I can't start until these later times anyway, because I'm responsible for getting a kid to or from their activity.

I have a break at 11:30 p.m. No classes are scheduled from this time until 12:30 a.m. so this is when I take a shower, brush teeth, etc. Basically I do my entire routine to get ready for bed so I'm ready to sleep when I'm done teaching. I usually finish this by midnight so I have time to sit down and read, or just watch some short videos or something to relax. Nothing too stimulating for my brain during this time period - I just want to relax!

At 12:30 a.m. classes start back up. I teach until 3:40 a.m. At this time there are no other classes scheduled until 4:50 a.m., so I try to sleep. I usually get in 45 minutes or so before my alarm goes off. I'm pretty hyped up after doing so many classes in a row, so it can be hard to wind down! Once I start teaching at 4:50 a.m. I'm not done until 8:00 a.m. At this time I'm completely done until the evening, so I can SLEEP!

Most days I am able to sleep until 9:30 a.m. We do have a soup kitchen we work at, we have play dates that are scheduled, geography classes at the library, co-op, etc. If I can sleep until 9:30 I can make it through our scheduled activities without any issues. After lunch is done the kids know I may play a handful of games with them or read a book with them, but then I'm going to have to take a nap. I usually try to sleep from about 1:30 to 3:30. If at all possible, I prefer to take a nap later in the day. For example, tonight I was able to nap from 5:30pm to 7:00pm and that should serve me well in these midnight hours!

I've definitely gotten in a routine. This routine isn't forever. The kids are supposed to be quarantined for about another 2-3 weeks and then life will return to normal. So I'm embracing this right now. What exactly does that mean? I'm not helping my kids with schoolwork as much. They are on their own - they know I will check their work and they save things for me if they have questions, but I am not sitting down to do it all with them right now. It means I have to say no to some stuff. We're spending more time at home in February so I can do this schedule and get some sleep so I'm safe while driving the kids around.

Now, the job is flexible. So I can cancel classes in order to cook dinner, go to a hockey game with friends, or meet up with friends who are in town from Florida. I love that flexibility. I also like that I can work 35-40 hours a week if I want to and not feel guilty about it. I'm still getting in plenty of quality time with my kiddos, and they're also learning those valuable skills called "independence" and "entertain yourselves QUIETLY FOR PETE'S SAKE"!

I'm wearing other hats and this doesn't get in the way at all. I don't schedule 12:30 - 3:30am classes on Wednesdays, only the 4:50-8:00 am classes. I want to be fresh for teaching preschoolers at co-op. I am able to work on that lesson in between classes. I can work on my Sunday school lesson, AWANA lesson, and Children in Action lesson for church in between classes. I can work on Rodan + Fields and place orders. I can do laundry and dishes and organize parts of the house that won't wake anyone up.

I've always kind of been a night owl, so it doesn't surprise me that I've acclimated to this schedule fairly quickly. I do know that it's also because my family is INCREDIBLY supportive. My kids are old enough to take care of themselves and I don't have to worry about what they are doing while I'm sleeping.

What was really tough was when Brianna got sick not once, but twice, while Stephen was TDY and I was working these hours. Fortunately, I was able to cancel classes to take care of her, but I was a major walking zombie the first 12 hours she was sick because I hadn't slept at all and then I was up with her. But hey, that's part of life.

I feel really blessed to have a part-time job like this. The kids I teach are phenomenal and they are so funny. They are smart and want to learn. The pay is great and the hours work with my schedule. Sometimes Brianna comes into my office and lays on the floor, curled up with her pillow and blanket, and listens in on my classes, and then afterwards we laugh about the kid named "Dudu" or how Billy demanded that I call him "Spiderman" or we "ooh" and "ahh" over the art the kids show me.

When I first started working nights it was really hard on Bri. She is a big snuggler and she didn't appreciate the fact that I would be working during her prime time for snuggling! I promised her this is just a season, and I have found ways to get in that snuggle time with her in between classes, or during the day, or if a class of mine gets canceled at the last minute. I've told her and Hunter this, and I hope they realize it - I do this for them. I want them to see that I work hard. I want them to see that you can do all the things that you are passionate about. God will work those things out for you. God gives you these awesome desires in your heart and then He brings them to fruition in ways you never would have imagined.

So while you may notice my dark circles more in February, or I may repeat things in conversations we have, it's all worth it to me. I feel so happy and so blessed to do what I do, and not give up homeschooling, or church activities, or miss out on things with my family. Life is pretty darn good right now.

It's Life

Today was one of those days that you just feel like you're plugging away at but it's never going to end. Hunter is in the extreme 2-year old stage. Sometimes he literally just clings to my leg and screams until he starts coughing. I realize some of you (grandmothers) are saying, "Just pick him up!" but I know you were all once mothers and you know you can't always just pick them up right when they would like for that to happen.

I recently read this book called A Sudden Glory, and the author suggests you try to find one moment in each day that is a sudden glory from God. Sometimes for me, it's something random that happens with one of the kids, or someone at church who really touches me, or a huge random blessing that comes out of the blue. But I'm reaaaally really glad I've started looking for these little miracles, because it makes the leg-holding tantrums so much more bearable!

And it's not just that. Over the last few weeks I have really been struck by the thought that I don't always reflect Christ to my children. I get impatient very easily with them (*ahem* Hunter) and I tell everyone I never even considered yelling at a child until I was blessed with Hunter. I feel more stressed and tense and I tend to take it out sometimes on Stephen or Brianna, or even Hunter when he's just simply being a 2-year old. So even though I have had this particular thought several times over the past 10 months or so, for some reason, when I had it again about 2 1/2 weeks ago, I just really thought to myself, "I can change this. I truly believe if I start praying about this, that I don't have the strength to do it, but I know this is what God wants for my life and my family, and he will give me every tool I need to be a better wife and mother."

Not even lying when I tell you that the very next morning I woke up and I felt like a totally different person. It was almost like I knew that no matter what happened, I could handle it. I remember it was a Sunday morning, and Stephen was working, so it's never the EASIEST thing in the world to get both kids ready to leave for church by 9:20 - making it in time for Sunday school, getting them to leave by 12:30 so we can eat lunch, put Hunter down for a nap, and refresh ourselves before leaving around 6pm for church again in the evening. It's not that difficult, but you never know when one kid can put a kink in your plans! So I don't remember anything in particular that happened, but something did. Either something was spilled or we were running late or one of my children threw a tantrum... I don't remember, but I remember that every time something like that happened that day, I handled it. It was like it wasn't me doing it. I was amazed with my patience and how SWEET I was being! I was so excited to wake up the next morning and really look forward to the day together, rather than being soooo weary at the end of the day, and not knowing what tomorrow would bring.

And today was the first day that I could see a glimpse of how I used to act. Hunter's had this cold for a few days now and he basically just screams all. day. long. He cries when I won't give him candy for breakfast, he wails when I tell him we don't have any juice ("Hunter, go look in the fridge. Go look in the pantry. There's NO JUICE. I promise!" Hunter: "Whhhhyyyyyyyyyyy!?!?!?!?" - he screams as he tears his clothes and rubs ashes on his face), he cries when I try to put clothes on him, I mean this kid is crying over every little thing!

So thank you God, for the sudden glory moments. Like today, when we were on our way to a Fed By Faith delivery. The traffic in front of us came to a sudden stop and fortunately, although the kids were being noisy, they weren't distracting me as they usually do. I stopped with ease. Not so for the three cars behind me. I heard the brakes, looked in the rear view mirror, and saw the accident as it happened. Within seconds, traffic ahead of me was moving on and people behind me were getting out to make sure everyone was okay. As we started driving again, I just started saying out loud, "Thank you so much, God. Thank you for keeping us safe." Brianna said, "What are you saying thank you for?" I turned off the music in the car and explained to her that there was a car accident right behind us. I told her it easily could have been us in the accident, but that God kept us from being in it and kept us from being hurt. She immediately starting whooping and hollering and she shouted, "Thank you God, for saving the day! We love you soooo much, God! Woo hoooo!"

It made me laugh out loud so hard, but I just said, "Keep going, girl! That's right!"

Definitely a glory moment.

Making it to the delivery and passing on all this stuff for a baby to the mother's friend... the mother had to get out of a bad situation and has nothing for her baby who is due next month. As she loaded up her truck she just gave me the biggest hug.

Two strangers coming together over a horrible situation, but knowing that God has His hand in it. Definitely a glory moment.

Having Stephen walk in the door from work, take one look at my face and saying, "Do you need to go for a drive by yourself?"

Haha - NOT a glory moment! But thank you Lord, that my husband is starting to recognize some signs of me being overwhelmed, and he steps in to take care of me!

I want to reflect Christ in all that I do, but particularly to my children and my husband, because I want them to long for that relationship with God that I have. I know my husband does, but our children are our responsibility to not only teach them but to show them through our actions what it's like to be a Christian. I still mess up, but over the last couple of weeks I'm able to think before I speak, I turn my anger into tickle wars (this works GREAT when a child has done something wrong but not necessarily punishable, like squeezing lotion onto the bathroom floor or pulling all the books off the bookcase... sometimes I get aggravated but that changes quickly when I tackle the offending child and tickle them to death!), I am much more patient and soft-spoken... more like I feel like I used to be.

And it helps to know that the 2-year old phase doesn't last forever. I don't remember this phase with Brianna, but I believe it's because I was sleep-deprived from having a 6-month old baby at the time!

So I am really thankful to God, because now I feel like my children see all the love I have for them through my actions. Yes, I still get stern with them, but without screaming. I discipline them, but never out of anger. When I do feel like I'm well on my way to having a heart attack, I can slip away and be by myself for a few minutes rather than jump on them for whatever just took place.

One thing Brianna loves to say is, "Wow, God is really growing me!"  I think that goes for me, too. God is really growing me, and as long as we are open to the growing pains I believe He can really do some awesome work in us.